Welcome back! For this post, I listened to Rewinding & Rewriting: The Alternate Universes in Our Heads (NPR Hidden Brain Episode). In the Hidden Brain Episode, a woman is telling her story about a tragic accident when she and her husband went skiing. She tells us how her husband died from an avalanche and how it could’ve gone differently to prevent his death. This is counterfactual thinking which will help me add depth to my narrative project. For this memoir, I will be writing about the time I listened to my family and chose a major and school that they wanted me to be in, but what I did not want for myself. I will be showing what I could’ve done differently.
I was a business major in my first year of college, doing terribly in classes. I stopped showing up to all of my classes, too scared to check emails, too scared to check my grades, so I never did. I came to this school full of confidence, only for it to get shut down so quickly. If I’d have chosen the path I wanted from the start, I wouldn’t have wasted a whole year for nothing. It was that time for high schoolers to apply for college. I applied to multiple schools, but the one I really wanted to go to was Temple University. However, my mother was trying to discourage me from going. We were in her bedroom while having this discussion. Her bedroom was sort of this controlled clutter. The wooden floors were clean, but she had a bunch of random things cluttered on her dresser and at her headboard. My mother had this cream, marbly looking Italian made bed set with a flat surface at the headboard, so I placed my Macbook on it while she laid next to me. She told me, “you can’t go to Temple, Elaine. It’s too dangerous” I get annoyed, still browsing through colleges to apply to and respond to her, “but aunt Kieu, aunt Quin, her husband, and so many other people went there. They’re doing perfectly fine. Why can’t I?” She grabs her phone and pulls up one of her games that she always plays, “I’m just giving you my advice, if you get in trouble then that’s on you” I was starting to get paranoid and almost let her words get to me. I thought to myself, “what does she know? She didn’t even go to college. She relies on the occasional news story and old people’s comments about Temple to judge it” I clicked apply anyway. I was choosing my major and said out loud I am choosing to be a biology major. My mother’s annoying ass wannabe politician boyfriend comes into the room from hearing what I said and decides to make a comment, “why are you choosing that? You’re not gonna get a job with that degree” I never liked my mom’s boyfriend, in fact, I hated him and wished he would just leave one day. I rolled my eyes and replied with, “Well I want to go to med school and become a doctor so what else would I choose” He frowns at me and says with an attitude, “you’re not gonna find a job in that field, you should do accounting and later on I’ll help you get an office job for the government” I dramatically gag to show how utterly disgusted I already am with him, “ew I don’t wanna do accounting I don’t even know anything about it and everyone says it’s boring” He goes on his laptop and looks up random YouTube videos as what he does every night then replies, “But you will find a job easier that way, make more money, and you’ll be popular and have power when I help you get a job for the city” I continue choosing what I want for my life. Even though my mom and her boyfriend aren’t happy with my decision, I am. To me, it's not about the power or money, it's about doing what I know I want. When college starts, I am living on campus, making new friends, and I take classes I am actually interested in and have the motivation to go to. I check my emails, I look at my grades to make sure I’m on top of my assignments, and I know what I’m doing. Life is good, I finally feel free and have the chance to go out and socialize with people my age and I feel like I figured out who I want to be and on the path to chasing my dreams.
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For this blog post, I read My Name is Margaret (Maya Angelou) and Hills Like White Elephants (Ernest Hemingway). I thought these short stories were very well written and were full of emotions. Both stories had such strong emotions and I think the theme of emotions would connect with my story.This memory I am sharing is something I think of often and will never forget. I am not a very emotional person as of today, but I think my story is what made me the way that I am.
When I was about 3 years old, my parents decided to get a divorce. I was very clingy to my parents, at the time, they were my whole world and I thought we were just one happy, loving family. I still vividly remember them fighting in front of me and my father walking out the door. I ran out the door behind him and chased him into the street, crying because he was suddenly leaving. He told me to go back inside and I listened to him. From that point on, everything started to turn dark for me. 10 years later, I moved in with my father in Arkansas because I wasn’t happy living with my mother and her boyfriend. One day he picked me up from school and decided to tell me something that I wish he never did. He started driving and went on with the usual trash talking about my mom, I wasn’t really paying attention because I figured it was the same thing every time. I looked out the window as he kept driving and watched everything we passed by as I always do when he drives me to school and home. We were in Arkansas, so all I saw were trees and roads. He then says, “Did you know your mother cheated on me with the man she’s with now?” I felt my heart drop and I didn’t know what to feel for a second. I said to him, “She never told me that” I tried to keep my cool and show no emotions. I never liked showing my emotions to anyone. The one time I did, my mother and her boyfriend dismissed me as if they didn’t even notice, so I learned to bottle up my feelings very well. He proceeded with, “I came home one day and found out she changed the locks on me and when I looked into the bedroom window, I saw her with him” I was trying so hard to keep myself together and not lose it. I was angry at him for telling me and angry at my mother for doing such a thing. I bent my head over my knees and faced the opposite of him, pretending to watch out the window because I didn’t want him to see me crying. I was trying so hard to stop crying, but then more tears came from my eyes and my face felt very hot. He said, “I didn’t want to divorce your mother because I wanted to stay for you, but it’s what she really wanted. I even left all the money that I had for you” How was I supposed to reply to that? Especially while I’m trying to focus on stop crying? I remained quiet for a little. I finally was able to get myself together enough to speak and told him, “It’s okay, I understand. You are better off without her and she is better off without you” I realize we didn’t even look at each other the whole time. He then says, “I am sorry, Elaine. I tried to stay for you, but everyday she kept telling me to sign the divorce papers” I reassured him, “It’s not your fault. It’s okay. Things are better off this way” He repeated what he said before, “I left you everything that I had” Then continued with, “Your mother probably took it” I replied with, “I wouldn’t know” The drive from school to home felt so long and definitely not as boring as it usually is because of what just happened. We haven't spoke of what he told me after that. When we got home, I went straight towards my room and let all of my emotions out alone. Since then, I grew more and more distant from my parents, as if I felt absolutely nothing for them. |
ElaineI will use this blog to connect with my class and make meaning. Archives
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